Author: Lori

The year my son died (and for a time following that first year) has hands down been the most painful season of my life. Nothing else I’ve gone through has even come close.  I hope I never have to endure a season like that again. But if I do, I know that the God who walked beside me during that time will walk beside me again. He didn’t let go. He didn’t drop me even when nothing within me was able to keep holding on to Him. He is faithful.

I find it essential to remind myself of this. It chases the fears and the what-ifs away. For awhile. And then they return. And then I remind myself. Again. And again. And again.

Oh how quickly I forget the lessons “of old”. The things I thought I learned but seem to need to relearn. Is it just me? Somehow I doubt I’m alone in this.

“Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.” Deuteronomy 4:9

This verse in Deuteronomy is proof I’m not alone. Forgetfulness is something we are all prone to from the beginning of time.

Some things are good to forget. The “little” offenses we hold on to. The unintentional slights and hurts. I’m all for forgetting those. When I choose to remember those it simply causes discord in my soul and relationships. Life is too short for discord.

And yet, sometimes, discord is inevitable.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18

If it is possible….the word if suggests sometimes it isn’t possible. Then what?

I said at the beginning losing Lance has been the most painful season of my life, but one thing positive in that loss was everybody expected me to be hurting. I felt the freedom to grieve publicly and privately without apologizing. Sure sometimes I defaulted to wearing the mask of “I’m fine” because in the  moment it was easier. But I am the one who chose that. Nobody made me feel like I had to be fine.

What many don’t know is, with the exception of losing Lance, I have never grieved as much in one year as I have this year. This year has been beyond hard! But in this season of grief I do not have the freedom to grieve publicly because this grief involves others still living and breathing. It involves others who, for this time, I am not able to live at peace with. So it has involved boundaries. Distance. The breakdown of relationships.

Why do I share this? Honestly, I’m not sure. Maybe to let you know, if you are grieving silently, you are not alone. Maybe it’s to remind myself, and you, even in this, God is faithful. The same God who walked with me through the pain of losing Lance is walking with me through the grief of this season. And if you allow Him to, He will walk with you through the grief you carry.

Much of life doesn’t make sense to me. I’m not going to try to figure out the whys behind this season I am in, or the breakdown of the relationships in it. But I am going to choose to trust that just because my physical eyes can’t see a reason doesn’t mean there isn’t a reason. And if there isn’t a reason? Even then, God is faithful.

I will remind myself of that as many times as I have to….and some days that means reminding myself many times! God is faithful. God is loving. God’s got this…..

The enemy of my soul wants me to forget this. Wants me to believe God doesn’t care. I won’t fall for the lie.

My eyes have seen the evidence of God’s love. My heart has experienced the comfort and joy only He can give. So I will continue to remind myself. I will choose to remember. And I will teach it to my children and grandchildren for as long as I live.

Where has God been faithful in your life? If you aren’t sure, simply do what I have had to do many times. Ask Him. And once He reveals the answer to you, then choose to remember. For when we choose to remember, we will never forget….

It may not change the season we are in, or the grief we are experiencing, but it will change our perspective in it.

The little choices we make.

They make a difference.

What will you choose?

Transition.

It can be a hard place to be.

That in between place, full of uncertainty, where it sometimes feels like you are standing on shifting sand.

This is where I have been the last couple months. With my memoir Losing Lance complete and published as of July 7th and the next project still unknown I’ve struggled. Apparently I am more goal orientated than I realized and with nothing to “look forward” to I feel kind of lost.

Yet it is also the perfect place to practice what I preach…that everyday matters. That even in the ordinary meaning and beauty can be found. That it’s the little things that make a real difference. Yet somehow during this in between I have forgotten this.

I listened to a podcast recently by John and Lisa Bevere and in it they referred to transition as intermission. Now doesn’t that sound so much better? Anyone familiar with sports knows how necessary an intermission is. It is in the intermission you rest briefly and prepare for what is still ahead in the game. A regrouping so to speak.

Armed with that picture in mind this season of transition has become far easier. Like it has more purpose in it than it seemed to have before. And I can finally say I am enjoying it.

I don’t need to know what’s coming next, I just need to live today–this moment, with excellence because lets face it, no matter how ordinary today is I will never have this moment again. And some day I will likely look back and treasure it. Because I have discovered since losing Lance, it is the littlest, most ordinary moments that have made the fondest memories, the biggest impact. So why would I wish these days away for ones I perceive to have more value?

I won’t. Anymore. Until I forget again that is. I seem to do that a lot. Forget the lessons I’ve learned and need to relearn them all over again. I know I’m not alone in that, and all I can say is that I am grateful for a God who is patient with this girl!

Thank you John and Lisa Bevere for helping me see this season through new eyes.

And now to simply sit and rest while I listen to the perfect “in between” song. Feel free to pause a moment and enjoy it with me!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DQobykZHMQ

We all have them.

Plans that don’t work out. Sudden changes to our schedules. Things that don’t go the way we expect them to go.

What do you do when those days/moments hit?

I know some people who can roll with the changes easily, others are a bit more of a control freak and don’t. I am somewhere in the middle.

Today I had one of those unexpected plan changes.

I was up and ready for my 1 1/2 year old grandson to arrive for the day. Grandma is his designated caregiver when mommy and daddy are working.  But at 7:00 a.m. I got a text saying Grandma wasn’t needed today. It wasn’t worded quite that way, but that was the gist of it.

I was left with the “now what?” question. It’s not like I don’t have a bazillion things to do. My lack of organizational skills makes for an environment that always has something that could be cleaned and uncluttered. Not to mention, I also have about ten books on the go. I’m famous for beginning one before the last three or four are finished.

Instead, I did what seemed the logical choice at the time. I went back to bed 🙂 After the additional rest, I was once again faced with the question.

I chose to tackle something I’ve been avoiding for quite awhile. This blog. I am so new at this I still find it intimidating and overwhelming. At this point, I still have the free template design that came with it when I signed up…that will change, eventually. I hope.

After spending several hours–that is not an exaggeration–trying to figure things out I hit my point of internet/technology threshold overload. (OK. There may have been some Facebook, email and web surfing involved in those hours too. Needless to say, I was on my laptop far longer than this girl should have been.)

In the midst of trying to become more acquainted with the ins and outs of blogging, details such as widgets, menus, pages I reached a place of complete overwhelm and literally began to cry. Admitting this is not easy. After all, who wants to be defeated by technology? Nevertheless, it’s the truth.

Here I was. laptop on my knee, crying, out of frustration. I simply wanted to add my about and contact pages to my blog and it wasn’t working! So what did I do? Something I probably should have done at the very beginning. I began a conversation (more accurately a rant) with God. I informed Him I couldn’t do this and it was stupid! Yes. I told Him it was stupid. I honestly don’t remember if I asked Him for help or not. This wasn’t a calculated discussion, it was simply a reactive cry to Him in my present situation. But what I do know, is after being honest and releasing my frustration to Him I thought I’d give it one more shot. I “stumbled” upon some instructions and voila, if you happen to notice, I now have a contact and about menus on my homepage.

What is my lesson in this? It likely should be to go to God first, not wait until I’m frustrated, but I know myself well enough to know I probably haven’t learned that lesson yet.  What I was reminded of, however, is He cares. Yes. He cares about all the details of my life. That’s something I’ve always wrestled with. Why would a God who created the world care about little old me and my little old problems? Especially when there are huge, traumatic events happening in the world right now.

But, you know what? He does. He cares about the little things in my life. And He cares about the little things in yours. So go ahead, take those little things to Him, then watch, wait and see how He works them out. It may not be as instant as my answer was today–not all of mine are. But in His time, in His way, He shows up. Because that’s just who He is.

“Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable then they?” Matthew 6:26

Today I have been blessed with a day just “to be”. There is no agenda. No pressing to-do list. Nothing urgent needing my attention.

Days like these are few and far between. And because they are, I tend to grasp onto them, holding tightly, unwilling for them to slip away as quickly as I know they will.

Life just seems to be far too busy. Yet how much of that is my own doing?

One thing I learned after the loss of my son is that much of what I think is important–really isn’t that important. I wish I had carried this lesson further into my grief journey (it’s been 4 years since Lance’s death) but I seem to be needing the reminder. Often.

When I get to the end of my life will I really care about all the things I checked off my list? And yes, I realize some things just need doing, but do I give them higher priority than they really deserve? I think I could answer that with a yes most of the time.

When it gets down to the nitty-gritty what does really matter?

Each of us will answer that differently. And that OK.

For me, I can honestly say, hands down, it’s relationship. Relationship with God. Relationship with family. Relationship with friends….and relationship with you if you don’t fall into any of the previous categories 🙂

When I get to the end of my life, all that I will be able to carry into eternity, all that I will leave as a legacy will be a direct result of my relationships.

Maybe that is why the enemy works so hard at destroying relationships. And if he can’t destroy them? Well, let’s just keep people so busy they don’t have time to invest in relationships.

I need to choose daily, sometimes even moment by moment, where my priorities are. It’s easy to say one thing, but the truth is revealed in my choices. My actions.

When my “treasured” day “to be” is interrupted by someone–how will/do I respond? Irritation? Or will/do I welcome the opportunity to connect?

Life gives us so many opportunities. And then, one day those opportunities are gone. Whether it be with the ending of someone else’s life or our own.

I know–I’m not sharing happy thoughts that will brighten your day. I wish for that I could apologize. And I guess I could, but I won’t. For I believe this is a reminder I’m not the only one needing.

It’s far too easy to take life for granted. People for granted. To forget they won’t always be with us, or we won’t always be with them.

And when that day comes…will I wish I’d had one more moment of “me” time? Or will I be thankful for the memories made from the interruptions? Since losing Lance I already know the answer to those questions–now to only learn how to implement that lesson into my current daily life. Because every day I get to choose. And so do you, my friend.

What will your choice be?

If life is as it should be, when we enter this world we are welcomed with love and anticipation. Our parents are likely a bundle of mixed emotion–overjoyed and scared all at the same time.

Today I enter a “new” world. The world of blogging.

And just as a new baby has so many things to learn as they grow. So will I.

And just as a new parent is excited and scared all at the same time. So am I.

But, still, here I am!

My intention is not to pretend I am wise and have a ton of advice. I’m not. I don’t. What I have to offer are simply words. Words on a page. Yet words can (and have in my life) have so much power. They can break or encourage. They can build or destroy. They can bring laughter and they can bring tears. They can cause division–or (and this is what I hope this blog will do) they can connect.

Words. As little children learning to speak we have no idea how later in life our words will influence and shape both ourselves and others. But they do. I am, slowly, over time, becoming more aware of just how much impact words can have. I’ve uttered many I regret and some I am thankful I said, before it was too late. Whichever ones it happens to be one thing is true of all words, once they are spoken they can not be taken back. So as I begin this new journey I hope my words will be written with love, honesty and clarity. But if there is ever something you aren’t sure how to take, please, ask me what I mean. I welcome respectful conversation–even respectful disagreement. I believe, it’s part of how we learn and grow.

So hello world! This “baby” blogger is about to take her first steps.