The year my son died (and for a time following that first year) has hands down been the most painful season of my life. Nothing else I’ve gone through has even come close. I hope I never have to endure a season like that again. But if I do, I know that the God who walked beside me during that time will walk beside me again. He didn’t let go. He didn’t drop me even when nothing within me was able to keep holding on to Him. He is faithful.
I find it essential to remind myself of this. It chases the fears and the what-ifs away. For awhile. And then they return. And then I remind myself. Again. And again. And again.
Oh how quickly I forget the lessons “of old”. The things I thought I learned but seem to need to relearn. Is it just me? Somehow I doubt I’m alone in this.
“Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.” Deuteronomy 4:9
This verse in Deuteronomy is proof I’m not alone. Forgetfulness is something we are all prone to from the beginning of time.
Some things are good to forget. The “little” offenses we hold on to. The unintentional slights and hurts. I’m all for forgetting those. When I choose to remember those it simply causes discord in my soul and relationships. Life is too short for discord.
And yet, sometimes, discord is inevitable.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18
If it is possible….the word if suggests sometimes it isn’t possible. Then what?
I said at the beginning losing Lance has been the most painful season of my life, but one thing positive in that loss was everybody expected me to be hurting. I felt the freedom to grieve publicly and privately without apologizing. Sure sometimes I defaulted to wearing the mask of “I’m fine” because in the moment it was easier. But I am the one who chose that. Nobody made me feel like I had to be fine.
What many don’t know is, with the exception of losing Lance, I have never grieved as much in one year as I have this year. This year has been beyond hard! But in this season of grief I do not have the freedom to grieve publicly because this grief involves others still living and breathing. It involves others who, for this time, I am not able to live at peace with. So it has involved boundaries. Distance. The breakdown of relationships.
Why do I share this? Honestly, I’m not sure. Maybe to let you know, if you are grieving silently, you are not alone. Maybe it’s to remind myself, and you, even in this, God is faithful. The same God who walked with me through the pain of losing Lance is walking with me through the grief of this season. And if you allow Him to, He will walk with you through the grief you carry.
Much of life doesn’t make sense to me. I’m not going to try to figure out the whys behind this season I am in, or the breakdown of the relationships in it. But I am going to choose to trust that just because my physical eyes can’t see a reason doesn’t mean there isn’t a reason. And if there isn’t a reason? Even then, God is faithful.
I will remind myself of that as many times as I have to….and some days that means reminding myself many times! God is faithful. God is loving. God’s got this…..
The enemy of my soul wants me to forget this. Wants me to believe God doesn’t care. I won’t fall for the lie.
My eyes have seen the evidence of God’s love. My heart has experienced the comfort and joy only He can give. So I will continue to remind myself. I will choose to remember. And I will teach it to my children and grandchildren for as long as I live.
Where has God been faithful in your life? If you aren’t sure, simply do what I have had to do many times. Ask Him. And once He reveals the answer to you, then choose to remember. For when we choose to remember, we will never forget….
It may not change the season we are in, or the grief we are experiencing, but it will change our perspective in it.
The little choices we make.
They make a difference.
What will you choose?